Do you know what its like to hurt?

I try falling out of love, but falling out of love
means falling into someone else, and you were
the one I tripped for.

~ Lindsey Caitlyn Emery

I’ve not posted in FOEVER!! It seems weird to do so now. But I have to get this out.

I am an openly bisexual woman. I’m not afraid of letting the world know. But…I have a problem. I still love my boyfriend dearly. I can never replace him. But… I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH BROWN’S BEST GIRLFRIEND!

AKA..my friend Kadi.

 

My problem, I can’t tell her, I can’t tell Brown…I can’t tell anyone…

Do you know what its like to love someone enough that it hurts knowing that they don’t love you the same way? It feels like my heart is going to rip out of my chest in a violent way. Whenever I see her with another people, mostly guys, my chest aches the way it would if I had lost a lover.

 

I’ve never felt this way about another girl. They were always just fun little flings…I’ve never actually LOVED one…not to this extent.

 

HOW DO I HANDLE THIS?!

 

(&& now the future knocks at my door)

“In times of change, learners inherit the Earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists.”

-Eric Hoffer

Well, here I am, 18 and trying to live life how I see fit. But already, this life has actually come. I’ve realized that I need to start saving so that I can afford to rent an apartment, if not a house. I need to get a cell phone without my mother’s name being on the bill. I have to face the fact that my “home life” is almost over. I won’t be able to rely on my family to take care me anymore. I’ll have to self-sufficient. I know how to be…I just don’t want to yet.

Being an “adult” is scary. I remember when I couldn’t wait to be 18. Now here I am, posed for life with roommate. Maybe a couple.

How weird.

I guess I am mostly afraid of having to run back to my family, should I fail. I don’t want to end like my mother and my aunt, who both live in my basement. I hate living with my grandmother as it is. Her constant scrutiny drives me insane. One would think that now I’m 18, she’d back off. She hasn’t. Surprise Surprise.

Another hitch in my future…

I have always kinda planned on living in the same town as my uncle so that I could be closer to my family, I mean the half that I actually need, and my best friends. But…the man I plan on loving forever, has different ideas. He is like against living there, because its small. Honestly, I don’t want to live in a city…I hate cities. Too many stupid people. I would rather live in a small town and have to drive to get to my job as a teacher then live in a city. But..his chosen career has special needs, that neither of us can just pull out our asses. And he was dead serious on not wanting to live down there. I get the feeling that he wants to live in an entirely different state, which scares me even more…

 

&& I’ve been waiting to come home…

“Not going home is already like death.”

-E. Catherine Tobler

“Home is where the heart is.” as the old saying goes. But what if your heart resides with another person? That would make your home with that person…not exactly a concrete place that you could simply visit any day. Hence my issue here. My heart lies with Brown…and I am only home when he is with me. Even now…he has just left and my chest aches from emptiness. And my…delightful…grandmother said he couldn’t stop by after his rehearsal. Her reasons: 1)”You need more sleep.” 2)”You need to work on your room.” My thoughts: Neither is going to happen. I will actually sleep worse because Brown isn’t here…and I’m not cleaning my damn room. Fuck that. I’m almost 18 years old…she can suck a dick.

But..since home is with Brown…do I ever come home? Or does home come to me?  I wish I would come home for good…

~Svartana

Blind.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
~William Shakespeare, Mid-Summer Night’s Dream, 1595

 

 

 

“Love is blind.” How often has one heard that? I’ve heard it…pretty much everyday of my life. ANd..I just now realize what it means. The quote above is one of my favorites from Shakespeare’s plays. It makes me think of the glorious story of Cupid and Psyche (linked at the bottom). Basically, Psyche was the wife of Cupid, and her only duty was to not see his face. But she loved him anyways, even though she had never seen his face. Sure, in the end she defies her beloved husband and pays dearly…but the point is that Love is Blind. Cupid is often painted blindfolded. 

 

How does this link to my thoughts for the day? Its quite simple really…I’m blind. Not literally..but by love. True love has me blinded. What I once took for flaws, I now see as perfection. I had to leave today..and I started missing Brown as I turned my back to walk away..I hadn’t even gone three steps before I missed him. His “games” that he and his best friend play, I once saw as annoyances..but now I see that they make him who he is…or at least they help. Everything that makes up Brown..is what I love. And I’ve become blinded so much by this love that I can’t see a future, short or long term, without him. I gave him a note (that I wasn’t going to give him) that said that when my daughter asks me about my true love, I want to be able to point to him (her father) and say “Thats him.” with a smile playing across my lips. I want him forever…not just for a few months. My day is nothing until I see him, even if its just a passing glance as we go to class. A brush of his hand makes my spine tingle and my heart beats faster and slower, at the same time. I never thought that was possible. Everything about him fills me, thrills me like no other has before. Is that bad? Especially since…we haven’t been dating a month yet? Two more days…I want to do something special for him. But I can’t post it on here as I’m sure he will read it. But he will definitely have something special done for him. *smiles softly* Almost a month…and usually…by now..I’ve freaked out about commitment…ask any of my exes. But this time..I’m not sure what’s different..

Rainbow once said, “I know that ‘the one’ is not from Lewiston. At least not for me. And..I feel like I’m settling.” Settling…such a vague word. To me, settling means that you aren’t completely happy with what you have, but it keeps you mildly interested for now. That was how I was with Orange, and Douche Bag Blair, and Brandon, and Austin…even David. I was settling. But now..I don’t feel like I’m settling. My life is so much greater because I don’t feel an obligation to be someone else. Douche Bag Blair hated my singing…so I never sang near him. Brandon wanted someone who was ready to be a wife…and so I set up that persona. Austin wanted a future plan…so I made one.  Orange wanted a sex kitten, basically a plaything…so I became that. Am I proud of what I did? Not entirely but I also don’t regret it. It made me who I am now…and it led me to Brown. Brown..oh Brown..he tells me everyday that I’m amazing..and that he loves me…and that I make his day better by simply smiling at him as he walks up to me. I’ve never heard that before. He does so much for me…like..he truely hasn’t been home in like a week because he comes to my house and stays…simply because I text him saying “I miss you.”  And I finally don’t feel like I’m settling.

~Svartana

http://www.bartleby.com/181/111.html <<<<Cupid and Psyche story

I wish.

Dreams surely are difficult, confusing, and not everything in them is brought to pass for mankind. For fleeting dreams have two gates: one is fashioned of horn and one of ivory. Those which pass through the one of sawn ivory are deceptive, bringing tidings which come to nought, but those which issue from the one of polished horn bring true results when a mortal sees them. -Homer

Hmm..Interesting quote..not that it really goes with my post today… But oh well.

I started scribbling this on a piece of paper today and it made this post.

I wish someone would ask me what its like to be with a . Everyone who knows me can tell that I am NOT a juggalette, and I’m sure some people wonder how the hell I can make Brown, who is a juggalo, happy? Honestly…how many people actually think of juggalos as normal people? The mention of the word to my good friend Ezral, brought the “Fuck ICP!” reaction. I hate that reaction. Does anyone who says that actually KNOW what a juggalo/juggalette is? http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=juggalo <<<That link…right there..is the definition of a juggalo. Check it out. Sure its not “Webster’s” but the best def I found..is #5 on that site.

Back to the original question. How do I keep Brown happy even though I’m not a “juggalette”? Its simple. I am me. I am a musician, a leader, a McDonalds crew person, a Mexican…but all of this is just me taken at first glance. Because I am also a fat kid…most would say that I’m shy about my body. UNTRUE. I’m so open about my body..I’d go streaking down Main Street just to say I’ve done it. I’m open about everything. I’m bisexual and I was bisexual before it was a trend that the Scene girls adopted to get noticed by guys. But I think..that what makes him love me the most..is I’m absolutely fucking insane. One minute I’ll be happy and cuddly..and at the drop of a hat, I’m suddenly pissy and I don’t want to be touched, let alone cuddled. I’m insane…and he still looks at me, with his fantabulous brown eyes, smiles his amazing smile..and says, “Babe..I love you.” How amazing is that?!

So..what is it like to be with a juggalo? Its a dream. Everything is damn near perfect. I’m treated like a precious object, a rare gem if you will. There isn’t pressure to do anything I may be uncomfortable with…reciprocation isn’t a necessity. I just have to love him. Hell..he let me give him gas money for the first time on Sunday. Thats the first time since we’ve been together. And..by now..I would usually be bored..ready to move on..but I’m not. I still miss him even when he has just started walking away from me to leave. I smile my adoring smile when he texts me or he calls. His voice still makes me fall in love all over again. And..a single glimpse of him makes butterflies flourish in my tummy. Its love…a love like I’ve never had before.

~Svartana

Nightmares

“Nightmare: a monster or evil spirit believed to oppress persons during sleep.” -www.dictionary.com

A nightmare…truly a monster? No..more like emotional stress that you happen to be encountering. But I liked this definition as it gave a perspective on my dream..on my nightmare, that plagued me as I slept today.

My dream: I was standing on the corner across the street from IHOP. James was on the other side. Furiously, he and I were texting back and forth, obscenities flowing from our fingertips freely. Then, I get one that says “Since you don’t love me anymore, I’m going to throw myself in front of the next truck that comes along.” I read this and glared at him from my side. “No you won’t.” I text back. I see him nod and prepare to hurl himself into to traffic. I turn my gaze to the right, just slightly. There I see a big blood red Ford coming down the road. I wave my arms frantically, trying to get the truck to stop. My efforts were lost upon blind eyes though..and the truck sped towards us. Just before it passed James…he jumped in front of the truck. Blood sprayed everywhere, covering me and the ground around me. The truck stopped in the intersection, and its driver got out. He had no blood on him. He walked over to where I stood, shaking in shock. He said something to me..but I didn’t hear it. I was looking at James’s mangled corpse, laying lifelessly in front of me. Tears streaked down my cheeks, leaving clear lines in the blood that covered my face… The worst part: Everyone thought I threw him in front of the truck.

I had this nightmare on and off from 7:40 am to 11:30 am…the time that I slept after coming home. What brought this on? The definition helps here. James is a demon in my past…my demon, nay..my monster. He haunts me still, the unrequitted love we shared…the pain I carried for him..all of it. All are shadows within my soul…and obviously they still plague me. But why did this surface now? Now when I am so happy…why should I have to deal with this? Why should I be so shaken by seeing someone that I no longer love dying? Especially when I know he would not throw himself into traffic just because I don’t love him anymore.

I have no explanation at this time. Maybe later…

~Svartana

 

We all lookin’ for something.

We Live by Rehab

“We live like there ain’t no tomorrow
No regrets, no time for the sorrow
Keep movin one foot in front of the other
We all looking for something Hey, hey, hey” – We Live by Rehab

I am officially in LOVE with this song. It describes my very soul…the soul that is truly lost in this world. Music lights my path, without it..I would have no direction. But the real reason this is the song I chose to quote? It spells out my life right now.

I’ve done some fucked up shit in my life…I once told my dad that I hoped that he and my stepmom lost the baby she was carrying. Now..everytime I look at my little sister..my Sunshine..I have to deal with that guilt. I think its the only thing I truly regret. Now..I can’t afford to regret anything. I don’t have that luxury. Not anymore.

So I live exactly how this song describes. Let me post all the lyrics for you:

“We Live”[Hook:]
We live like there ain’t no tomorrow
No regrets, no time for the sorrow
Keep movin one foot in front of the other
We all looking for something Hey, hey, heyI’m in the center lane on a freeway
My radiator blown on a 100 degree day
And I’m more in a hurry than I was before
And once again the whole world is in my way
So this is earth and I’m stuck here
Where profanity pours from faces like mine
And the only thing that we’re sure of is
Is we’re runnin out of money, patience and time
One step forward and two steps back
And we’re wishin for a future, reminiscing on a flashback
Chasin a dream, hopin it exists
And we’re grittin our teeth and clinchin our fists

[Hook:]
We live like there ain’t no tomorrow
No regrets, no time for the sorrow
Keep movin one foot in front of the other
We all looking for something Hey, hey, hey

Am I crazy, maybe. my brain be gravy
Insane the days we have witnessed lately
It pains my greatly someone could hate me
Maybe they were lied to as babies too
Can’t see logic, we camouflage it
Technology allows us to dip and dodge it
Wit magic gadgets, wires and magnets
We’re standin stagnant and thinking backwards
A whole of bunch of nothing is in our way?

[Hook:]
We live like there ain’t no tomorrow
No regrets, no time for the sorrow
Keep movin one foot in front of the other
We all looking for something Hey, hey, hey

 

 

Do you see it? How this song applies to life today? How..even in love..I can’t regret doing anything? Everything is done for a reason..so..let’s apply this logic.

example 1- Brown

I love him so much. What if I actually regretted falling for him as I did? How the hell would that have worked? I was looking for someone like him..someone who actually loved me too…and if I regretted that..then I’d still be out there..looking..and never seeing it.

example 2- Moving away from my dad.

If I hadn’t…Sunshine..my sweet little sister, would be exposed to the animal inside me. She wouldn’t be so sweet and innocent anymore. I would have turned her into..a little me…a little monster…*shudders*Monster…is that what I am?  Yes…a monster…

And the only thing I can regret..is screaming that at my dad. Verbally no..never..but I thought it so loudly, I swear he heard me. 

 

And have I truly found what I wanted? Someone to love me…for being me? My friends have begun including me in so much now…I’ve yet to feel left out since I’ve been with Brown. We all lookin’ for something..thats what the song say. So Have I found what I’ve been looking for?

Changing plans, errant thoughts

I must say, I love it when I change plans at the drop of a hat. Seriously, not even being sarcastic right now. It keeps me on my toes…though…changing plans from hanging with Brown to not hanging with Brown…not so fun. Especially when I get the distinct feeling that..ah nevermind. He reads this blog…so its enough that he can read what’s in my head let alone my errant thoughts. 11:55 PM and I have nothing better to do but blog. ,,in my not so secret, secret blog. =/

Gotta love gossip.

Whoa! No quote at the beginning?! FREEZE!

     “Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.” -Mark Twain

Ok…continueing on!

Annoyance…that is what I feel. Not at Brown..never at my beloved Brown..more at the very unorganized planning. But such is life.

~Svartana

*sigh* “Hi my name is ______ and I’m addicted to love.”

     “I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.” -Roy Croft

 

Oh my…love still holds me captive. Much to the disgust of my friends I’m sure. I can almost guarantee that everytime I kiss Brown, hug him, or anything..Boss is rolling her eyes. Could it be perhaps she is jealous? Though..jealous of what? She has never expressed interest in Brown…or has she? I sense that there may be more secrets hidden here.

But now..life..in love with Brown..is so utterly amazing. But alas, my deepest fears creep into my head yet again. Like..what if I really don’t make him happy? What if…*bites lip* what if he still pines for Rainbow? I know that he is flirty, just as I am. But…today the nastiest feeling of jealousy crept into my heart. “Jealousy?” I thought to myself. “Jealousy of what? Brown stealing her glasses?” I pushed the errant thought from my mind, but it has yet again resurfaced. I hate this feeling. It makes me sick. Jealousy I should not feel. I know Brown has many female friends, all of whom hug him and such. But I am the one he is with. Its me that he says “I love you” to and means as more than a friend. I have to get over this jealousy thing. Its completely ridiculous. Glad I can admit that Go me.

I’ve been thinking about the future lately. And who mine may contain…or rather..who I hope it will contain. It may seem a bit early..but I keep having dreams..wonderful dreams. Dreams of…nevermind. I’ll keep these fantastic dreams to myself for a bit. But know..they all contain me and Brown…

But…would he feel the same? Does he feel the same? Ah..you have to love the drama that unwittingly comes with love.

Being addicted to love is like being addicted to heroin, just much healthier…at least its supposed to be healthier. But is it really? I mean…the emotional torment you send yourself into..is it much healthier than distressing your body with drugs? Torment…not the correct word. Love isn’t meant to torment you…test you yes…torment no.

I wish I could tell him everything I think about him. How when he kisses me, I feel like I could fly…How when he smiles at me, the rest of the world fades away…I’ve never actually felt this way before. I’ve said I have..but no one else has been able to make electricity pulse through me with a casual brush of their hand. No one else could thrill me with such ease…and certainly no other has been able to make me catch my breath when I was around them. Could this be…real love? Not the love that you throw out there to appease your first boyfriend…I mean the love you feel when you’ve found your lifemate…or rather…your soulmate. The one you are meant to be with for life…wow. Could it be…No. I have to stop thinking on this..its much too…soon…

God…I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve never felt breatheless while simply thinking of someone…and here I sit…trying to catch my breath…What if…Could it be?

Time will tell.

~Svartana

Love frequents my Heart

You know you are in love
when you see the world in her eyes,
and her eyes everywhere in the world.

- David Levesque -

Oh..love..that sweet illness that seems to enrapture the mind as it captures the spirit. I have tasted this ailment, this sweet illness that holds us all prisoner at some point in life. And I am addicted to it.

Yes…Addicted. Love is my drug. I guess its better than say heroin or meth. But perhaps I should not be so addicted to love. But I honestly can’t help it.

Love is the greatest feeling in the world…but at the same time…I am not sure why I am so addicted to love…

All I know is that with Brown…its so easy. Easy to forget the world, easy to smile when I don’t want to…easy to just be myself..my foolish, hopeless romantic self.

 

 

But can you honestly blame me? He is so loveable. Its nice to be able to take off my façade and just be myself for once in my life.

But love…ah love…what a fickle thing it can be. What if Brown falls for another? Like..what if I end up not being what he wants down the road? *sigh* So many factors to consider…

But…perhaps I am being too pessimistic at this point in time. Happiness, his and mine, should be my main concern.

I love him so very much…and it doesn’t really cause me any drama. Surprise surprise. I talked to Rainbow today…and she said “and, i’m glad you’re happy.
sincerely. “ And it made me smile. I’m glad that she is happy with me and Brown being happy.

~Svartana